i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Can Purell be used as lube?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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