pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
