Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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