every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
