Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
