i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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