i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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