Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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