My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
