found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
