Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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