God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
