I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
