I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
