I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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