So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
