I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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