remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You need Xanax blowdarts
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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