Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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