Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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