checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
