So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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