Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
