ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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