One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
