The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
