Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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