We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
