On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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