you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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