and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
