how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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