Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
