just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
