you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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