My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
