I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
