The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
