i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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