Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
