i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
