there's paper in my vomit.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
