You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
