true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
