The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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