k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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