the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
soo... how was my night?
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