Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
