Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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