Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
