i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam đ
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
His name isnt in my phone as âSatanâs spawnâ for no reason. #devildick
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