you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
