We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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